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Going through life, I have discovered, for me, the two worst feelings in the world. I had to be tortured with one of them again today. The other, I'm sure, will come up at a later time.
I am in an ldr, short for long distance relationship, and have been for almost two years.
I'll keep his name to myself. He's Dutch. I'm Irish. There's the U.K, a couple of seas and expensive plane tickets between us.
He's a special human.
Said every person in love before me, yes, but he's different. Very different.
Nearly two years ago, I was struggling against a loosing fight with my mental health. I had gone downhill at a scary pace, and my mind had been corrupted with depression and tormented with chronic anxiety. By chance, I met a Dutch boy online, thanks to my best friend, her boredom, and Omegle. I'll never know what compelled me, but I told him everything in my brain, things I hadn't told anyone else.
Most importantly, I told him I wanted to die.
I wasn't coping anymore, and didn't want to go on. But he showed me understanding, something I struggled desperately to find. It gave me the first shine of happiness and relief I had felt in years.
I messaged him everyday without fail. Thinking back, I'm surprised he wasn't scared off of my persistent messaging if not by my frail health.
But he stopped me from doing awful things to myself. He was a key factor to my recovery, especially when it came to telling my family and going to doctors.
If it wasn't for him, I firmly believe I'd be dead by now. And that's one of the things that makes him a special human.
When am I happy? When we're together.
People roll their eyes at the thought, thinking I'm being a typical princess dependent on a man, but that's not true. I believe myself to be very independent and driven. I have goals I will achieve and being in a happy relationship will not change that. It's not that I'm constantly sad when we're not together, but it's a sense of unease. I feel lonely, off-balance.
I am a very anxious person, especially around people. Even around my friends, I am uncomfortable. I get nervous, I get quiet. I don't interpret what people say correctly, and often feel left out and insulted, even though I'm sure that's not what people tend to cause. He's the only person I don't want to run away from, the only person I feel comfortable around, the only person I can spend all my time with. It's odd, but makes sense, if you believe in destiny and soulmates.
Whether I do or don't is another question.
And today, I had to let him go again.
After a blissful month of pretending to be in a "normal" relationship, reality slapped me hard in the face once again. After a restless sleep, promising not to cry and a sombre car ride, we arrived at the airport, a place of extreme mixed feelings. I had to let him go to departures.
The worst feeling.
Breaking down when I promised not to. Watching him leave, knowing I can't feel him embrace for another four months. Being alone again.
He's only been gone for about three hours, but I miss him painfully.
A long distance relationship is ridiculously hard. But in less than a year we will finally live together. We can rejoice and know that this was all worth it.

~ justaoifethings

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